How To Lie
by Zettai hijoshiki
Summary: When I was born, I was normal. When I left that morning for another day of high school, I was normal. Yet, by the time that very same day was over, I would be the only one who could say that I was taking care of the Akatsuki. As cats. God help us all. R&R
1. Enter: Aeri

I sighed as I listened to our Physics teacher drone on and on about the phenomena of our natural world, resting my head in my palm. There was no use in listening, really. We had a pep rally soon, anyways, so tuning her out for once wouldn't kill me.

Think of it as payback for the rest of the days I did listen, regardless of any amount of tiredness I was feeling that day.

Besides, the one thing in Physics I felt like pondering was _space_.

Now _that_ was a big one.

Black holes, nebulae, red giants, supergiants, all that whatnot. I had already done some research on black holes, and found that if a human or any other object entered one, it would be "Spagettified," as they call it.

Meaning it would die a horrible, bloody death while a giant hole attempted to fluff it like a pillow and turn it into unrecognizable chunks of whatever.

"My athletes can leave for that pep thingy now," our teacher said, and in an instant, about half the class—including myself—stood up and exiting the classroom.

Yes, I am, in fact, an athlete. Volleyball was my forte. Despite my obvious "un-peppiness," I do relatively well in sports. Sure, I sucked at football, basketball, and tennis, but others were okay for me.

Don't expect me to pick up a hockey stick, though.

Kyoko, my fellow volleyball player and apparent "friend," jogged up to me, her blond-dyed ponytail swishing back and forth.

She grinned at me.

"Ready for the pep rally, Aeri?"

I loved my name. It was so uncommon; obviously, there aren't many people in the world with the name "Aeri." That was one thing I liked about myself.

To answer Kyoko's question without having to actually talk to her, I rolled my neck around, and she grimaced as it cracked.

"Well, me too! We're so gonna kick ass out there! We always look friggin' sexy in our uniforms! Yeah, we make knee and elbow pads look _good_, baby!"

Well she had enough pep for just about the whole school.

I gave a mental sigh as she continued on her one-sided conversation with enough gusto to make the inventor of Red Bull cry himself to sleep.

One of the other players, Yuki, a girl with curly brown hair and blue eyes, elbowed me in the ribs as I was pulling one of my knee pads on. "Oi, Aeri, you ready? You look kind of spaced out today."

I nodded. Even with my untalkative dispostion, I was even quieter today. Usually, I would put in a grunt here or a sarcastic jab there while Kyoko talked to me.

She could blame my quietness on my thinking, which I did much more than speaking.

If everyone did that, I bet we would have flying cars, trucks, and SUVs, instead of rubber bands shaped like animals.

* * *

><p>To be honest, the pep rally wasn't that bad. Sure, my ears have officially imploded and I may have lost my eyesight from when the sluttiest cheerleader ever "forgot" to wear undergarments today, but it wasn't so bad.<p>

Note extensive sarcasm.

That was the most horrible experience of my entire life, and if I ever have to go to one of those wretched things ever again, I will willingly leave multiple scratches on myself and jump headlong into shark-infested waters.

"Great, wasn't it?" Kyoko yelled, stretching her arms behind her. My eye twitched as her hot air balloon-sized breasts bounced at the motion.

I stuck my pinky in my ear and twisted it around.

"Seen worse," I replied offhandedly.

This was only because I had seen the movie _Saw _just recently.

"Well, I thought it was awesome. Except for Haruka showing off her crotch; that was just plain gross."

I nodded in agreement, shuddering slightly.

"At least she'll be expelled now!" the green-eyed sophomore chirped happily.

I sighed at the younger girl's evident jealously, most likely because Haruka had "stolen her boyfriend," as Kyoko had so blatantly put it.

This is why I hate drama.

Those two used to be the best of friends, and when that was, Kyoko didn't bother talking to me.

You'll probably see why I despise Kyoko so much in time.

* * *

><p>We get out of school at 4:00, and taking the bus, I get home at around 4:20. I tried convincing my mom to let me walk home, but she's stone set on making me ride the big yellow bus so I don't get raped, kidnapped, both, or neither on account of they already killed me.<p>

She even went into detail about all the different situations I could find myself in if I walked home.

Oh, Mom.

I took my seat in the 6th seat of the driver's side and pulled a book out of my plain dark blue bookbag.

_Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary 2011_.

Yes, I read dictionaries.

No, not for fun.

My reason? To widen my vocabulary so it consists more than, "I," "me," "mine," and "dude." When I get my job, I want to sound like a educated graduate, not a stoner.

I enjoy intelligent conversation.

I snapped to attention when the bus driver screeched my name. "Aeri! I said, you're here!"

I opted for a lopsided smile at my cluelessness.

Kyoko laughed at me. I would've glared at her if I felt like she was worthy enough to stop my walking and turning around to do so.

I walked into our nicely-sized house, immediately frowning as I noticed the lack of smell of cooking food wafting from the kitchen. Mom usually starts cooking before I get home, because she says that eating after 8 is bad for you.

Or something to that effect.

I set my book bag down next to the soft and fluffy couch, taking off my shoes and walking to the kitchen.

As I expected, there was a neon orange Post-It on the counter. I peeled it off carelessly and read it, rolling my eyes at my mother's use of text-talk.

_Hi honey. Srry but had 2 leave quickly, got a emrgncy call frm hospital. Sumthng like a patient with a hrt attack. N Daddy's still the office, sed he wont be home til 9-10. Feed Kentucky, dont feed "Paws". Leftovrs in frig. Love u._

It probably took more time trying to figure out what letters to take out than it would've to write like a fourty-two-year-old woman and use the whole word.

Jeez, Mom.

To clarify any confusion you may have, Kentucky is our labrador retriever. He's the cutest thing in the world, with his long, soft, fluffy light blond fur and brown eyes.

Paws is an abandoned American Shorthair with patterns of grey, brown, and white on her, and large yellow eyes. Well, eye. The right eye was clawed out. She also has a scar over the opposite eye, and the ear on the same side is torn in different places.

She seems to favor staying around our house, and messing with Kentucky. Mom doesn't like her, because she might have "diseases," plus she makes Kentucky bark like crazy.

I love them both to death.

I scooped some dog food out of the large Iams bag in the corner of the kitchen for Kentucky, and with my free hand, I grabbed some tuna from the cabinet.

Walking into our backyard, I smiled as Kentucky started barking happily.

"Hey buddy. Bet you're hungry, right?"

He barked in response, and I opened the door of the pen, closing it quickly behind me. I barely managed to keep my balance when he jumped on me, paws on my stomach. The unopened tuna can was released from my hand and some of the dog food spilled over the side of the dipping bowl.

"Hold it, now! Let's reign in our eagerness for the time being, shall we?" I said, laughing lightly as I poured his food into his pan.

He barked once before digging in.

"Good boy, Kentucky," I said, stroking his golden fur. His tail went faster, now being a blond blur.

I smiled before picking up the fallen tuna and exiting the pen.

"Paws! Here, kitty, kitty!"

I heard a meow.

Then something else.

Something that startled me.

A series of hisses, followed by yowls. Then a bluish-black blur raced by my feet. Another blur, who's patterns I could make out enough to distinguish as Paws'.

I followed the direction Paws and the other unidentified animal, walking quietly instead of running. If I ran, the animal might be scared off, and Paws might follow it.

I finally found Paws, hissing up at a tree.

"Paws..." I called. I was ignored, as Paws continued hissing.

I looked up, surprised to see another cat, clinging onto a high branch for dear life. It had blue-black fur, with one eye being brown and the other closed, and it was meowing pitifully.

I frowned, glancing at Paws.

Sure, she was known to be territorial and a fighter (This would be the cause of the scars), but I've never seen her chase another cat. In fact, those scars were from a dog, believe it or not.

"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty," I cooed at the cornered cat.

It stopped its kitty whining and turned its towards me.

I reached my hand up to it, motioning for it to come out of the tree.

It meowed pathetically.

I sighed and clambered up the tall, leaning tree, my foot slipping once or twice.

The cat tried to climb higher.

"No, no, no. Shh, come here."

The cat stopped, and slowly let its claws out of the tree, sliding backwards toward me.

I chuckled as the small cat hit my chest.

"Good kitty."

It seemed to become happy at this comment.

I scooped it up with one hand, using the other to grip the branch I was previously on, and dropped about 10 feet to the ground.

Paws hissed at the cute kitten.

I frowned, holding the ball of fuzz closer to my chest. It clung onto my clothes. "No. Bad Paws. If you were a human, you'd have been charged with harassment." I looked at the black cat in my hand. "Where did you come from? I haven't seen you around before."

The cat meowed and leapt out of my hands.

Paws ingnored it in favor of trying to get the fallen tuna can open, forgetting her previous malice against the other cat.

The cat trotted off, and I reluctantly followed it.

Where it lead me, I was familiar: the small porch of our house.

What I wasn't acquainted with, however, was the cardboard box sitting on the step.

What it contained would forever change my life.

* * *

><p>Well? What'cha think of Aeri? Yes, I know, the idea isn't original, but it'll get better, I promise.<p>

Review, peeps.

(Btw, the cat was Tobi. The "good kitty" thing, I thought, would've given it away. XD)


	2. Naming the Kittens

Decent Author's Note at the end.

* * *

><p>I arched an eyebrow as the cat pawed and scratched at the cardboard box, meowing up a storm.<p>

Heck, he was most likely shouting in his cute little kitty language, _"Open the box! Open it, I command thee!"_

Well, maybe not exactly like that, but the thought of a cat speaking Old English amused me.

"What up? Got buddies in there, kitty?"

I did not expect the cat to nod animatedly like a bobblehead toy, like he was answering my question.

I shook my head and unfolded the cleverly weaved flaps of the box.

And nearly squealed at what I saw.

There were eight other kittens in the box, presumably my Saved Kitty's—I shall call him this until further notice—friends.

One was blue, with a strange gill-like pattern under his eyes, and nearly shark-like eyes. He was the biggest kitty. Next to him was one with black fur and matching eyes, and he had a red hairband tied around his tail.

Across the box from those two was a blond one with a sky blue eye and a fringe of fur covering the left one. He was hissing at a red-furred cat with half-lidded brown eyes, which made it seem as if he was very bored, despite the fact that he was hissing back.

A silver—almost white—cat with purple eyes was growling at another one with dark brown, shaggy-looking fur, green eyes, and red _sclera_. That poor thing needs a serious beauty sleep—or coma—if his eyes are so bloodshot that they look red!

In one corner was a cat split down the middle, one side being black and the other being white, his paws also being white, and a little bit of green fur on his shoulderblades.

In another corner was an orange cat with strange purple eyes with rings surrounding the pupil, and strange black dots on his face. He seemed to conversing with another blue cat who had the most beautiful pair of amber eyes, and also had a flower-looking pattern of black and white in front of his ear.

They couldn't _all_ be boys, could they?

"You want in there, buddy?" I asked Saved Kitty.

Again, the cat nodded furiously. Again, I was slightly freaked, for lack of better vocabulary.

I picked up Saved Kitty gingerly, placing him in the box, and lifting the box to carry it into my house.

Reluctantly, I opened my storm door, followed by the wooden door, placing the box in the middle of the living room and closing the two doors behind me.

I sat down crosslegged and sighed, a palm supporting my cheek. "What am I to do?"

Meowing erupted from the box, followed by hissing, and bluish-black paws clawed desperately at the top of the box.

I arched an eyebrow and scooted over to the box, peering over the side to see the blond cat _strangling_ Saved Kitty, quite literally. I yelped quietly, picking the blond one up by his scruff.

"Behave," I commaded firmly, glaring at the cat. It glared back with the one eye that was visible, hissing and trying to claw at my face. I set him back in the box, quickly replacing him with my Saved Kitty, whom I placed on my shoulder.

"Stay up there for a while, kitty. I'm going to get you and your gang some food while Blondie over there calms himself down."

I could've sworn I heard snickering from the box, followed by the sound of hissing and a thump. I ignored it for the time being.

One thing you need to know about me: I have never cursed. Never have, never will. Not even the minor ones, like the "d" or "s" word; I don't even swear on the Internet. I feel that if you need to curse to get your point across, you're probably not demading enough in the respect apartment. Kyoko swears sometimes, mostly for no reason (She says it just to be 'funny,' she claims), and my little brother, who is 14, swears like an aged sailor.

He must be in his room, either taking a nap or absorbed in his death metal while intensely 'inspecting' the latest Playboy magazine.

Doesn't he know that those poor models are thirty percent silicone?

Finally finding all the tuna cans I needed, I walked back to the living room, only to find the box tumbled over and eight cats in a mixture of emotions.

"Hey, kitties. Food." I waved a tuna can around for emphasis. Most of the cats suddenly looked eager.

"Now, before I open these cans, you all must know that you each get _one_ can. One can each. Simple instructions for intelligent creatures."

I opened one can at a time, giggling quietly when Saved Kitty jumped off my shoulder and began devouring the tuna like there was no tomorrow.

I sat back and watched them all eat; some ate like starved wolves, others ate composedly.

_What a seriously ragtag bunch of cats,_ I thought in amusement. _Neverless, they're all cute as can be._

Oh, I had no idea how much that could change, at that time.

"I know I can't keep you all... Mom'll probably kick my butt at the slightest whiff of another cat, much less _nine_ more. I guess I'll call the Animal Shelter." I sighed and got up, heading for the phone when claws went through my thin jeans and into my leg. I looked down to see Saved Kitty, armed with the biggest pair of eyes I had ever seen. I think he just put Puss in Boots to shame.

Was... was he trying to pull _puppy-dog_ eyes on me?

More importantly, did he really understand what I had said to them?

"You... you want to stay here?" I asked Saved Kitty, almost reluctantly.

He nodded eagerly, and I was worried his head was going to fall off.

I gave the cat an incredulous look, picking him up and placing him on my shoulder once more.

I sighed yet again as I slumped on the couch. "Alright, kittens, gather 'round."

The other fluffballs obediently padded over in front of the low-set couch.

"If I'm to keep you gentlecats and slash or ladies, I must establish some basic rules. Rule number one is the most obvious one. No having bowel movements or urinating on the carpet in this room or the bedrooms. Or the wooden floor in the kitchen, or the tile floor in the bathroom. No 'going' inside, period. If nature calls, scratch at the front door or something."

Saved Kitty pawed at the wooden door.

"Yeah, like that."

He continued, meowing as well.

"Oh, do you have to go?"

I got up and opened the door, only to have Paws tumble in, knocking Saved Kitty over as she was twice his size.

"Paws!" I said sharply.

She looked up at me with one large, curious eye.

"Couch. Now."

Head hung low, she walked slowly over to the couch and hopped onto it.

I followed her, gradually sinking into its leather depths.

"Second rule; no bothering Paws or Kentucky. Kentucky is a dog who will eat you. Paws is the lazy beast next to me, and she is a _cat_ who will eat you. Three; there will be no breaking of fragile objects within or outside of this house. We live peacefully and organizedly. My mother will notice immediately if something is missing or if there are scratch marks on her floor, and she _will_ lock you in the pen with Kentucky."

The cats stared at me, seemingly shocked.

"Understood? Per-hur-fect. Now, who wants to be named first?"

Saved Kitty hopped into my lap. Was he smiling? I didn't know cats could smile, but he most certainly looked like he was.

Oh well. I had planned on changing his name to something less... basic.

"Hmm..." I picked him up and turned his small body from side to side, inspecting him with narrowed eyes. "I dub thee... Sherlock Holmes the Great, Wise, and Second! Sherlock for short." I patted Sherlock's head, noting how extremely soft his bluish-black fur was.

I placed Sherlock next to Paws, motioning with two fingers from my eyes to her and back again to let her know I was watching her actions.

Next, I picked up the blue kitty with gold eyes. "You're the prettiest one here. You must be a girl." I scratched behind her ear absentmindedly. "I'll name you Amber, for your eyes."

Amber leaped off my lap and next to the orange cat.

I eyed the silver kitty. "You kind of..." I picked him up and placed him on my lap, observing him.

He promptly jumped onto my—sadly, near nonexistent—chest.

"... remind me of a girl I know."

He really did. Kyoko liked to tease me about my breasts—or lack thereof—a lot.

His fur was also extremely light... like butter.

"Your name is Princess Buttercup."

I think he just went into cardiac arrest.

Most of the other kittens seemed to just _die_ laughing.

I picked up the cat he was hissing at earlier—the one with the red sclera—and looked at him. He was nearly as big as the blue one with shark-like eyes!

"Wow, you're _huge!_"

Princess Buttercup fell over, snorting like he was choking.

A few of the other seemed to laughing, too.

But cats can't laugh... right?

"We need a name that will fit your size."

A name popped into my head immediately; one which I grimaced at.

It sounded _way_ too Kyoko-like; I've obviously been hanging out with her for too long.

Then again, I wasn't going to keep them for long... so foolish names can't hurt _too much_, can they?

Oh God, I had _no idea_ back then.

"From now on, you are... Doombringer, The Alien Conqueror of Planet Earth. Or Doombringer. Now, go get some sleep!" I pushed him off the low-set couch by his little booty.

I pointed at the blue cat with shark-like eyes. "Braws. A combination of mother Jaws, and father Bruce."

More kitten-y laughter.

At that time, I didn't realize how much it sounded like the word 'bras'.

The one next to him, with the black fur and black eyes, sat emotionessly. "Well, aren't you just as emotional as a cinder block?" Hypocrite. "Very well, until further notice you are... Excalibur, after the sword stuck in the rock."

Excalibur stayed stony.

As for the orange kitty's fate... "El Macho. You know, because Amber seems to stick to you."

The angry blond kitty who tried to strangle Sherlock. "I don't believe I have a name for you yet..."

He seemed to sigh with relief, and that's when one of the useless things Kyoko told me actually became useful.

I remember she showed me a list of famous people with bipolar disorder, and one of them was a graphic designer named...

"Barney Bubbles! That is your name, blondie!"

He died.

And his red-furred, brown-eyed frenemy. He looked lazy and layed back, so... "Sir Frinkle Dean of York it is."

Oh my, a change of expression. I wasn't aware half-lidded eyes could widen that much.

* * *

><p>AN: Hey guys. Thanks for reading my story. Totally forgot to put that there last chapter.

But really, thanks.

Both of you.

No seriously, what's with the lack of reviews? It's probably because the first chapter wasn't exactly a bundle of humor.

I need reviews, people! You know, to check my character, my names for the Akatsukitties, the overrated plot which, admittedly, is not mine.

Plot (C) Whoever came up with the idea of the Akatsuki as kittens sent to our world to be forever doomed to cat clothing.

What do you think of Aeri? Kyoko, obviously, is going to be an antagonist later on in the story.

That is why I based her off of Sakura. I like neither of them.

Oh come on, we've all made OCs that we hated the next day.

But seriously, review.


	3. Drama, and the Big Bang

Just in case:

Pein - El Macho

Konan - Amber

Itachi - Excalibur

Kisame - Braws

Kakuzu - Doombringer, The Alien Conqueror of Planet Earth

Hidan - Princess Buttercup

Sasori - Sir Frinkle Dean of York

Deidara - Barney Bubbles

Tobi - Sherlock Holmes, The Great, Wise, and Second

Zetsu - He has no name yet, because he was missing last chapter. You'll find out soon enough.

Naruto (C) Kishimoto. It's cool, yo. I'll be poor my whole life.

* * *

><p>Ah, sleep.<p>

What a wonderful bodily function, is it not?

A period of blackness, where you can't remember when it started, and can barely remember what happened during it.

Unfortunately, it cannot last forever, as human life is not infinite in the first place.

Today, as I woke up, I felt like something horrible was about to go down, which made me want to go back to sleep.

But, as life would have it, I was about to subjected to major _screwery_.

"Sis!"

Poke.

"Wake up!"

Poke, poke.

"There are a bunch of ugly-ass cats in your room!"

Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke.

"Aeri, I swear, I'm not kidding!"

Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, po—

"Habiki, if you poke me one more freakin' time, then so help me God, I will tear off your finger and throw it into the nearest paper shredder."

I'm not a morning person.

My dream _is_ sleep.

Wait... cats? He said cat_**s**_? What cats? Cats... Oh God, the _cats_!

I jumped, tangling myself in my thick sheets and successfully landing on the floor.

"Are Mom and Dad home yet?" I shouted, engaged in a tense stalemate with my sheets.

"No, they said they went to a hotel—"

Oh God, I knew what _that_ meant.

"—and that they'd be back around the time we got back from school."

Good Lord, they needed _that_ much time?

"Aeri, what—"

Finally freeing myself from the e-vile clutches of my peace sign-patterned sheets, I grabbed the shoulders of my much shorter brother.

"You see these cats here?"

Habiki nodded.

"Mom and Dad can_ not_ know about them. Capiche? A slip of the tongue is a slit of the throat."

Well, I wouldn't really kill him, but I would... do something... terrible.

Oh, I know!

I'll tell all his friends a mean rumor!...

D'aw, I couldn't do that to my baby brother.

I trust him.

"Please, Habiki, don't tell them. Look at these cats. Do they really look like they have anywhere else to go?"

My eyes locked on his as he looked around my room at the kittens. He sighed.

"Alright, Sis."

I hugged him.

I love my little bro.

I ruffled his head of black hair—his hair was the same shade of jet black as mine, but he was gifted with Dad's peach-colored skin, dimples, and exceptionally bright blue eyes.

Needless to say, he was a chick magnet.

Since neither of my parents seemed to mind _him_ being ravaged, per say, I'd taken up wrestling.

That way, if I were ever subjected to chick-fighting with some other little girl, I wouldn't really have to try.

My poor brother, having to put up with me chasing away freshly-teened girls away from him every five minutes.

Like I said, I love him, so it's all for his own good in the end.

"Ugh, your breath stinks, Aeri."

Never mind. I hate him now.

"It's morning breath. And you have no butt, which, in lady code, is undesirable. Go get a full-body wax in tar, you butthole."

"It's _asshole_!" he shouted as I shoved him out of my door.

As I entered my bathroom, full of tiles and white walls, I couldn't resist temptation.

I stopped and stared at my reflection in the full-body mirror.

Stone gray eyes stared back.

As I said before, my brother is blessed with the beautiful features of Dad's American genes. I, however, have my Mom's Japanese ethnicity, and it shows.

I have her almond-shaped _gray_ eyes, which, in my opinion, are creepy. My high cheekbones, straight nose, and large knuckles are all from her.

However, my tan skin, small chest, narrow hips, nearly straight waist, too-long legs, and overall figureless body... are all my own.

I'd thought that, at 18, and with the upcoming of graduation, I would have at least filled out a _little_.

But nope.

While everyone else gets tits _and_ a diploma, I only get a diploma.

I guess my stick-shaped figure must be good for _something_, right? Like, uh... fitting through small spaces.

Yeah, I'm aiming to be a forensic scientist, not an alley crawler, so that very poor excuse for a lack of physique can make like Nemo and go straight down the crapper.

Goodbye, Excuse. So long, ol' buddy, ol' pal. Been nice spending time with you, my soul mate.

Finally finishing my 'duties' inside my very own Lavatory of Torture, I walked back out... and all my freakish kitties were gone.

And suddenly, I got that _feeling_.

You know, that feeling everyone describes when they had a horrific moment in their life, where their blood ran colder than ice and an empty feeling stirred in their gut?

That's what I felt.

I power-walked through the entire house, finally finding them in the kitchen.

Three kitties were on the counter: Barney Bubbles, Sir Frinkle Dean of York, and Sherlock. Six on the floor: Princess Buttercup, Doombringer, El Macho, Amber, Excalibur, and Braws. And one, the black and white one that for some reason I didn't name yesterday... was fused into my floor.

I now know what a heart attack feels like.

"Holy crap! That cat is sticking out of the floor! Holy _crap!_"

They all turned to look, like _I_ was the crazy one, and what their Oreo-impersonating friend was doing was perfectly normal.

"Ahhh!"

It seems like my usual calmness had taken a vacation to La La Land at that time.

The cat actually _materialized_ the rest of its body _out of the floor_.

I meeped.

The kitties went about their business as I continued to gape at the floor like a moron.

Wow. Did that just happen?

I need some pancakes to wake myself up.

Mom's note said there was leftovers in the fridge, right?

I shook my head, still in a bit of a shocked daze, and opened the fridge.

There was a total of two containers inside.

The phone rang.

I hurriedly went to get it, and pressed the green button on it that I so rarely use.

"Mom?"

"Holy shit, Aeri, how'd you know? I was just about to tell you! You're, like, psychic!"

This was not my mother.

This was Kyoko.

I rolled my eyes.

Ugh, why didn't I check the caller ID?

"Why are you calling me at," I checked my digital wrist watch, "nine o'clock in the morning? I wasn't even aware you had my number."

I also wasn't aware that it was possible for my brother to wake up that early.

Hm. I'll have to talk to him about it later.

"I called to tell you something, but it looks like you already know what it is!"

I rolled my eyes again.

One day, she's going to be talking to me, and my eyes are going to roll into the back of my head and get stuck that way.

"I'm pregnant, Aeri!"

She better not be joking with me, or someone's about to know just _how_ good I am in baseball.

I gulped. "A-are you serious?" I stuttered.

"Of course not! Why would I joke about something like this! Kyochi and me—" I; proper grammar. She knew this, "—did it, and I took the test! It came back positive, _plus_ I missed my period!"

Ho.

Ly.

Balls.

She was younger than me! She's only _fifteen_! She had her whole life ahead of her!

"Why are you so excited?"

She scoffed in an offended way. "You're so distant, Aeri! You can never understand how people are! It's gonna be _fun,_ Aeri, to have a baby!"

It's going to be _fun_?

How juvenile.

"You're just... just... not a _person_! You're too cold; too quiet. It's creepy!"

It's called maturity. Maybe you should've tried it sometime.

"You're ruining your life, Kyoko. A kid won't do you any good. Where're you going to get the money for it?"

"Kyochi's going to play professional football, and we'll be rich! He's happy that we're preggerz!"

Preggerz?

PREGGERZ?

She. Was starting. To seriously. Make me angry.

"A pro ball player?" I yelled into the phone. "Have you seen him play? He _sucks_! He doesn't show up for practice most of the time, he doesn't try when he _does_, and during games he sits on the bench. You think he's going to try any harder just because you're _preggerz_?"

"You don't understand our love! You don't understand anything!"

I understand a whole heck of a lot more than you do.

"Love? What love? Is it like the love of you and your last three boytoys?"

"What Kyochi and I have is real!"

Yeah. Real crappy.

"You don't get it, do you? Don't you know what people will call you? What they already call you? How will you continue through school? What if Kyochi leaves you?"

"He won't leave me, Aeri! I won't have to get through school when he makes the NFL! My mother will take care of my baby for me!"

"Nothing will work out the way you want it to, if you're this disorganized. You're relying on a thin string to carry cinderblocks. Don't you know how cruel it is to bring a child into this world with no plan, just because your hormones got out of control? You better pray that that test is wrong, and you're just a little late. Because, as of now, you're screwed, and what you're trying to do to that possible baby is beyond inhumane."

"You don't understand anything! _You're_ the cruel one, Aeri!"

_I'm_ the cruel one? Heck, I'm the _nice_ one for giving it to you straight.

"If someone tells you anything different, then they're not trying to help you any."

"You're just jealous because I'm more popular! And no guys like you because you're flatchested! You're not even pretty! You're just a weird, quiet, boobless, Japanese freak that no one likes!"

Click.

I hung up the phone.

Okay. I'll admit it. That last part hurt a little bit.

Wasn't she Japanese, too?

God, I hate drama.

I looked down. Sherlock was looking at me curiously, and the black and white kitty was down there with him.

I crouched down, and Sherlock leaped onto my knees.

"This your friend?" I asked Sherlock.

He nodded.

Great. I'm talking to animals, and they're answering.

"Well, buddy, your friend's name is now... Admiral Maple."

After the wood floor that he just came _out of_.

After a while, I found myself in the kitchen, trying to make myself some breakfast, since what Mom left in the fridge was no good.

I'm assuming Habiki went back to bed to sleep half the day. Again.

The bag of bacon was particuarly hard to get open, but instead of doing the smart thing and getting a pair of scissors, I got a kitchen knife.

Looking back on it now, however... I wouldn't have changed a thing.

I succesfully got the bag open... and sliced the side of my index finger like butter.

Curse all clumsiness to heck.

"Sh—Motherf—Jesus, Mary, and _Joseph_, that freakin' hurts!"

I held my finger as blood spilled over both of my hands and onto the floor.

I grabbed the nearest kitchen towel and pressed it to my very painful "battle" wound, remembering that to stall bleeding, you have to apply pressure.

I did not notice Princess Buttercup heading over to the puddle of my blood, with a very huge grin on his furry kitty face.

No.

I did not notice him lapping it up, either.

I also did not see Sherlock's worried face as he tried in vain to stop him.

I didn't notice any of that.

Not until there was a huge exploding sound, like an atom bomb going off inside the house, and I honestly thought my eardrums collapsed.

Once all the smoked cleared, and I stopped coughing, I could see what remained in Princess Buttercup's place.

A man.

A

very,

very,

_very_

NAKED man.

"Princess fucking BUTTERCUP?"

With a grudge against what I named him as a kitten.

Tell my mother and father I loved them.

* * *

><p>Yep.<p>

They turn human by drinking blood.

No, I swear, they're not vampires or vampire kitties.

And Hidan didn't go all Jashin on her because they don't have their powers while in kitty form, and, technically, he drank the blood in kitty form.

I could totally see Akatsukitties with their ninja powers, kicking the shit out of some of the people that piss me off.

And can I just say: HOLY BALLS, DANIZARAKI REVIEWED MY STORY.

I LOVE HER STORIES, AND SHE REVIEWED MINE.

HOLY BALLS.

That momentarily put me on cloud nine.

Then I saw that she reviewed AGAIN, and, seriously, almost cried with happy.

So very, very happy. :')

Leave me pretty reviews that sparkle like Edward Cullen, my friends!


	4. Guess It's Movie Time

Holy crap, I know this dude.

He's from an anime that my lil' bro showed me once or twice.

The anime?... Naruto, and Naruto Shippuden.

"Hidan... from Akatsuki." I breathed.

"Apparently, it's Princess BUTTERCUP! Where the fuck is my scythe! I'm gonna chop this bitch into meatloaf!"

Dear God, he was still naked!

As I covered my eyes, I couldn't help but feel that something was about to go horribly wrong.

Again.

Guess what?

I was right.

I didn't see Sherlock lick up my blood as well.

I was none the wiser until he tackle-hugged me in his human form, in an attempt to protect me from Princess Buttercu—... Hidan.

"No, Hidan-san! Don't hurt Tobi's pretty friend! Tobi's friend saved him from the mean kitty! Tobi's friend says we don't have anywhere else to go!"

"Tobi, move your retarded ass out of the way, because I swear to Jashin, I won't have a damn problem killing you, too!"

"Do it, Hidan, h'm! Put him out of his pathetic misery!" someone else said.

Oh my God, all my cats were turning into naked men!

"All of you, stop," a leaderly voice commanded. Hidan grumbled something under his breath.

"C-can you please get off of me?" I mumbled.

"Tobi," apparently, leaped off of me hurriedly. "Tobi is sorry! Is Tobi's pretty friend hurt?"

I kept my eyes covered. "Please hurry and _go get some towels or something_! And for the love of _God_, don't let my brother see you!"

"You will have to direct us to the restroom, in order to get towels," spoke a voice that I would expect to come out of a cat like... Excalibur.

I sighed, getting up and turning around, peeking through the spaces in between my fingers in order to navigate to our _actual_ bathroom.

You see, Habiki and I have bathroom inside our rooms, but all they have is a sink, mirror, and a toilet.

No shower or bathtub.

Our main bathroom, which was in the hallway leading from the livingroom to our rooms, had the shower and all that came with it.

I took out ten towels—assuming that all the kitties ended up turning human—and tossed each one behind me, hoping that each person would catch one.

"Tell me when everyone's... _decent._"

Pfft. If you can call it that.

"Fine. Now, tell us what's going on."

I whirled, crossing my arms across my chest. "I'll tell you what I know. He," I pointed at the one whom I'd assumed transformed from Sherlock. I could hardly tell; he had an orange mask over his face, but he had the same bluish-black hair sticking out of the top, "was being chased by my cat, Paws. I saved him, and he lead me to the box, containing all of you." I took a breath. "Blah, blah, blah, I cut my finger, Butterc—" I heard a growl and a few foul words, "sorry, I mean _Hidan—_licked some of my blood that fell on the floor, and he turned human. Now, here we are."

I glanced around at all of them. "I'm assuming that that's just about as much as you know."

The ginger-haired guy with purple, ringed eyes—I'm guessing he was formerly El Macho—nodded.

"One second we're doing that little telepathic thingy, and the next we're in a damn cardboard box," Hidan summarized.

"Hmm..." I thought deeply about the very little knowledge I had about Naruto. "You guys have... jutsus, right?"

Ginger nodded.

"Is there some kind of... you know, Human-Into-Animal jutsu? Like, a, uh... transformation jutsu? And then a trans_portation_ jutsu? That someone could have done on you?"

Ginger seemed to go into deep thinking for a while. "It is possible. I'll look into it later."

I sighed. "Let's go into the living room."

They all followed me as I sat down into the one-person recliner. I motioned towards our huge leather couch; the same place I had named them.

"Most of you should fit there. Uh, you three big guys." I pointed at the tall, tan man with stitches, the guy I'm assuming was Braws, and the Oreo-like man. "Y'all can sit on the other couch, since it doesn't seem like you'll fit."

They all complied.

I rubbed my temples. This is going to be such a long, long day.

Then my eyes widened and I checked my wrist watch.

9:30 in the morning.

"Oh, _noooooo_!" I wailed, slapping both hands over my face as I sunk out of the recliner and onto the floor.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"School!"

My bus came and left five minutes ago!

Today was a late start day, and I _missed it_?

I never miss school!

My perfect record... shattered!

All because of some stupid kittens with big, adorable eyes!

"Ugggghhhhh!" I wailed once more.

"Are you just about fuckin' done? Because I'm having more fun staring at that damn wall over there," Hidan complained.

Well... it was just _one day_, right? One day out of thirteen years of schooling... it's not too bad...

I bet Habiki overslept and missed school as well. I didn't see him in the hallway or anything...

Yeah, he did.

"I'm done." I climbed back into my recliner, sighing. "I'll need your names. _Real_ names. So, we'll go clockwise around the room. I am Aeri."

I gestured towards the guy with the orange mask. "Tobi's name is Tobi!"

Next to him was a guy with long blonde hair, and a fringe over one of his icy blue eyes. He seemed very unhappy to be sitting next to Tobi. "Deidara, h'm," he grumbled.

"Sasori." The one who had the very bored, chocolate brown eyes and unruly red hair.

"Pein." The fine-looking carrot top with the strange ringed eyes.

"Konan." Ah, the only female. It's no wonder she looked feminine, even as a cat; she was gorgeous! Pale blue hair, and beautiful amber eyes. Admittedly, jealously reared its ugly head momentarily. I promptly stabbed it with a fork and shoved it into the back of my mind.

"Hidan." Oh, I knew _him_. The foul-mouthed, well-muscled albino who tried to kill me with the very same knife I had started this mess with.

"Itachi." He _was_ Excalibur. Even his _voice_ was like a brick wall.

On the other couch, which was fluffy instead of leather, we had...

"Kisame." The big blue guy with shark-like eyes and gills under said eyes.

Actually, they weren't that bad. In fact, if I looked at his eyes a certain way... they were quite pretty.

I won't tell him that, though. Most guys I know don't appreciate anything of theirs being called "pretty."

"Kakuzu." The nice-lookin' piece of boo-ta—too much Kyoko; _waaaay_ too much. The dude with stitches, is what I meant.

And... "Zetsu." Well, this is the first time that I had noticed that _venus flytrap on his shoulders_!

Holy _crap_!

"So... we're all a bit strange here," I commented offhandedly.

Hidan snorted his obvious displeasure. "No shit, Sherlock."

Tobi looked around. "Did someone call Tobi's kitty name?" He then raised his arms to his chest, as if making like a rabbit, and said, "Nyan!"

Deidara slapped his forehead and muttered something under his breath.

I gave Tobi an incredulous look.

"How about we... watch a few movies? It'll give you guys some time to figure things out, and the... _less educated_... members will be distracted. You know, your tacticians, so to speak, will be able to think, and the others won't have to worry about it, since they'll have their minds on the movies."

Pein nodded. "Good idea."

"You guys... don't have to stay here, either. You can go in the kitchen or something."

Pein dipped his head, going to the kitchen, and taking Konan, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Sasori with him.

"Feel free to raid the fridge!"

Though, I'll doubt having _just_ milk will help them much, considering the fact that milk is the only we have in there.

I looked through my mother's DVDs, all in HD.

HD was nice, but I preferred the classic VHS tapes to them.

They don't have Old Yeller and other such movies on DVD, do they?

I pulled out a random DVD.

_Twilight_ was the title.

My upper lip curled in disgust. Ugh, they _butchered_ vampire lore.

And now they're going for the werewolves?

No mystical creatures are safe with Meyer around.

I have to remember to put this _thing_ in Dad's wood chipper.

I pulled out another DVD.

_House of 1000 Corpses_.

I grinned inwardly. Now _this_ is what I'm talking about.

I _loved_ horror movies.

Especially since blondes get killed a lot.

That gave me the image of Kyoko being slaughtered which, at times, was very pleasing to my soul.

"Here we go," I said, tossing the DVD to Hidan.

He caught it easily.

Stupid ninja skills; I would've fumbled that.

"Read the back," I stated.

He began reading, the others crowding around him to read as well.

"Tobi doesn't like scary movies!" Tobi whined, clinging to me.

I struggled to pry him off of me.

"And Hidan doesn't give a flying fuck," Hidan said, mocking Tobi's tendency to speak in third person.

"Tobi, get off of me! I need air to survive!" I cried.

"Save Tobi from the scary movie, Aeri-chan!"

I shoved him off, finally, and gave him a stern look.

"No. Huggling. At _all_. Romance is forbidden here, unless it's with each other. I don't care what you animals do to each other; just don't touch me. One, I will not get involved with any of you, since it's obvious you're going to find a way to go back to your own world. Two, I absolutely refuse to have a relationship with a _fictional character_. And three, you're _criminals._ In short; no touchy."

Hidan curled his lips in disgust. "Did you just say that we were _gay_? I know _I'm_ not gay, but I'm not fuckin' sure about Deidara-chan over there."

"Shut the hell up, Hidan, h'm! I like boobs!"

That made me extremely sad, because honestly, the blonde Deidara was a fine piece of arse.

I snatched the DVD from Hidan, quickly popping it into our Sony DVD player and turning on our 36-inch flatscreen.

Dad did it, I swear.

He also is at fault for the game room that was once our basement, the expensive sports car in our driveway that I _refuse_ to drive, and the ridiculously sized bed in his and Mom's bedroom.

He's a material guy, I suppose, and whenever he gets some big bucks, he definitely doesn't save it, _or_ give it to anyone else.

Habiki complains that we should get allowances every week or so, but I preach to him this: "You don't do a thing around this house, and usually, neither do I. Think of the homeless kids who work to _survive_, and most likely don't get _half_ of what you're demanding."

He usually shut his mouth after that.

At least for a while.


End file.
